Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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