i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
