well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
