im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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