I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
