The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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