My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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