The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
