Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
