i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
