Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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