I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
