apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
