I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
