she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
