I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
