Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
