Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
