Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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