i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
