I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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