My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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