just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
