He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
