I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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