nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
