someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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