Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have fence marks all over my body
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize