What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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