Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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