This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize