I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
