walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
