maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
