so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
