This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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