I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
