New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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