I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
