I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
