trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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