living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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