So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize