it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
