Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
