New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
