He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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