If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
