Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
