He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
40s are totally the cure
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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