Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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