Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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