nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
