if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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