things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
