$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
