Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize