I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
grandma shit on top of the toilet
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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