Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize