are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im part way to drunk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
